Sunday, 25 July 2010

Thursday, 29 January 2009

The case of the missing 20ft Bob the Builder

My daughter Holly and neice Katy were involved in a very strange phenomenon. When going out they passed a 20ft Bob the Builder but later on in the night he just totally disappeared. This caused them some distress and rang me to inform me of their dilemma.

l went out and found them but (here is the strange part) when l did, Bob the Builder reappeared again!

There are strange forces out there!

Wednesday, 28 January 2009

Desperado ... The Eagles and other lyrics

There are some songs in one's life that seem to hit an accord. This song for me is one of those. The lyrics have so much relevance to me. Not the 'Desperado' label though ;-) ... l ain't no tough guy! l view the lyrics how others can see me but not how l see myself . lt's as though they interpret my actions in a totally different way and have no real understanding but in the end do we know anyone but ouselves?

l've always been a loner. lt's not as though l don't enjoy company, l do but l also have to have time to myself and it seems only my family can understand this. Why am l like this? ... l don't know ... l just am. My take on it is you can put me in an empty field and l won't wander but put a fence round it and l feel trapped so must escape.

My relationships have tended to be like this. l don't try to control anyone and believe that everyone should have their freedom but this brings forth accussations of l don't care. This couldn't be further from the truth. l do care but l expect others to treat me the same way and have realised lately that this is somewhat unobtainable. As l've got older l've become more and more independent and don't actually 'need' anything from partners. l could jump to another song lyric for this but slightly altered ' l want you, l love you ... but there aint anyway l'm ever going to need you ... but don't be sad cos 2 out of 3 ain't bad' ;-). The 'need' is actually doing things for me but l've done everything for myself for so long l don't 'need' from anyone. lt's not that l don't appreciate when things are done for me ... the problem is that l don't ask (l did at one time but the answer was 'no' ... ouch!) and do everything myself which tends to upset partners who then form the wrong opinion entirely. Think l should add another lyric here ... 'l won't say l'm a good man but l would be if l could' ;-)

'The Queen of Diamonds' has been in my life although there have, l'm certain, been 'Queen of Hearts'. l don't see the lyrics as sad at all, l see only 'hope'.

'Maybe tomorrow, maybe tomorrow'


Desperado, why don't you come to your senses?... You been out riding fences for so long now
Oh, you're a hard one, I know that you got your reasons
These things that are pleasing you can hurt you somehow.
Don't you draw the Queen of Diamonds, boy she'll beat you if she's able.

You know the Queen of Hearts is always your best bet
Now it seems to me, some fine things have been laid upon your table but you only want the ones that you can't get.

Desperado, oh, you ain't getting no younger.
Your pain and your hunger, they're driving you home.
And freedom, oh freedom well, that's just some people talking.
Your prison is walking through this world all alone.

Don't your feet get cold in the winter time?
The sky won't snow and the sun won't shine.
It's hard to tell the night time from the day.
You're loosing all your highs and lows .... ain't it funny how the feeling goes away?

Desperado, why don't you come to your senses?
Come down from your fence, and open the gate.
It may be rainin', but there's a rainbow above you.
You better let somebody love you, before it's too late.


The Queen of Diamonds let you down ... she was just an empty fable
The Queen of Hearts you say you never met
Your twisted fate has found you out and it finally turned the tables
Stole your dreams and paid you with regret

Desperado ... (Is there gonna be anything left, is there gonna be anything?)
You sealed your fate up a long time ago ... (Ain't it hard when you're all alone in the centre ring?)
Now there's no time left to borrow .... (Is there gonna be anything left?)
Only stardust ... (Maybe tomorrow)
Maybe tomorrow
Maybe tomorrow

Saturday, 3 January 2009

"You canna fool me ... there is a no Sanity Clause"

l feel no need to explain the heading. lf you have no idea what it means or where it is from ... tough! Tel would've known in an instant what it was and most likely followed it up with an impression. He was very good at them, infact too damn good! ;-)

Many moons ago, Tel told me about a new ATM that only dispensed money if you had already put money in. lt was impossible to go overdrawn with it. He was very impressed with it. There were however certain facts that he kept secret ... no doubt much to his amusement. Nice one Tel ... you got me! ;-)

Apologies are now in order to Tel as l had to break into his ATM machine! Those of you that knew him know what a master of technology he was. The ATM was guarded by a code that took all the capabilities of my powerful computer and knowledge of algorithms to break.

At times l was thinking 'l'm a geddin nowhere' but l persevered until the early hours and finally the ATM gave up it's secrets. As the high security door sprang open, the light flooded the internal vault of the ATM.

lt was an astounding sight to behold. For there for all to see and behold was ... in all it's splendour ... a much used and empty Barclays plastic coin bag!

The code that was used by Tel was indeed "a cunning plan" and some would say that by revealing this code would be an absolute revelation ...

so, l won't! ;-)

Sunday, 28 December 2008

My brother and other animals

On the 28th December 2008 l lost my brother Terry or as l called him ... Tel. Some would say that he wasn't my brother but my brother-in-law ... well, they're wrong. Just because blood's thicker than water doesn't mean that you can't turn water into blood. l know ... we did it.

l met him around 1970 through Kevin, the son of my mother's friend Betty Kingdom. Tel was part of a group of lads consisting of himself, Kevin, Paul McFaul and Ron (l forget his second name but there again probably never knew it). Ron always reminded me of Dracula (sorry Ron, but you did), Kev had a Harpo Marx look and the best way of describing Paul was and is an infectious laughing machine that just makes you feel good. l must also mention that he was the original Master of Disaster and l may expand on that at a later date.

They knew each other through the painting and decorating trade as far as l can remember but l may be wrong on that. lt's all a little hazy to be honest as l was somewhat of a hippy so you'll have to bear with my version of events.

The lads were definitely not hippies but were in fact what l would call 'mods'. They were into Tamla Motown and dressed very smartly and fashionable ... unlike myself! (see my facebook). l seem to have carried this on throughout my life much to the embarrassment of my mother ;-)

Now this may seem a strange relationship until you realise that the common denominator was Lambretta scooters. l had an SX225, Kev and Ron GP200's, Paul another Lambretta but the model escapes me but l do remember it squeaked because the lads used to say it had a mouse inside it. What about Tel you ask? ... well, he didn't have one and rode pillion on Kev or Ron's.

l flitted in and out of this 'gang' because of my different lifestyle but spent many an afternoon watching football with them at Paul's home apartment that his mother had and was situated on the top floor of a solicitors office down Bowl Alley Lane, Hull. Other times included trips to Scarborough and Bridlington etc with the almost inevitable breakdown of Paul's mouse machine and not forgetting the 'nights out'!

l did actually dress up for the nightclubs but not because l wanted to ... it was the only way you could get in! One did all this in the hope of attracting a member of the opposite sex and l can tell you that our success rate was absolutely phenomenal. Well, l'd call 'zero' outstanding anyway. So, we'd leave the nightclub slightly worse for wear, console ourselves with the obligatory burger or curry and chips whilst telling the numerous various tales of 'that bird in the corner that fancied me' and staggering off into the night homeward bound.

The Lambretta was also a weapon in my arsenal to attract the girls. lt was originally an awful orange and yellow so l decided to change the colour to something that l found appealing. l proceeded to strip the whole bike down much to my mother's consternation. My nana had helped me purchase this bike by means of a 'teenager loan' which is not to be confused with a 'bank loan'. A 'teenager loan' is an amount of money given by parents or grandparents to their offspring with the strict understanding that it is to be paid back but coupled with the almost certain knowledge that this will never be the case. Some may think that this is grossly unfair but justice is done when in later years said teenagers become parents themselves. Forget Global Economy as Parent Economy is far more relevant ... well, to teenagers anyway.

So over the following weeks (or maybe months due to cost and reluctance of said parties to increase 'teenager loan') the Lambretta started to take shape. The lads called round on various occassions to see how it was progressing as the Lambretta gang was missing a whole 25% of their number. Thinking about it, it was more likely 50% as Paul's bike was invariably off the road due to one mishap or another. At this point you may be asking why l am telling you all this? Well ... think about it. Lads coming to my house?, my sister Gail is there?, Tel is there? ... get it now?

Don't race ahead of me now and think they fell in love at first sight and rode off into the sunset. This was the beginning of the beginning and love must take it's course and time whilst adhereing to time honoured rituals and tribulations. l would have been totally oblivious to anything anyway due to the fact that this was my sister Gail whom was going through her teenage years and it would have never occured to me that anyone could fancy her. Not that she wasn't gorgeous ... she was but people didn't know what she was like and capable of !!!. She drove me crazy! l now realise that l did the same to her ;-)

During this period of Lambretta restoration, unbeknown initially to me, 2 of the lads were slagging me off. l won't say who but it was no doubt due to the green-eyed monster in respect to how my Lambretta was turning out. One of the lads stuck up for me even though he had been close friends to the other 2 for far longer than he had ever known me. This was Tel.

From that incident a bonding grew between us that never went. Now l won't say that me having a certain female called Gail as my sister had any influence with Tel ... you'll have to make up your own mind about that. ;-)

So, Lambretta was restored and normal service was resumed ... total failure at attracting females! After being constantly rejected and therefore feeling miserable with oneself you have to return to a female that loves and adores you ... mum! l turned up at mum's caravan in Withernsea every now and then to be regenerated. Also at this Withernsea caravan site quite often was my friend Peter. He had a younger sister called Mandy (?) and whilst at Peter's caravan she turned up with a friend. This friend totally blew me away and l fell head over heels in love with her at first sight. l'm not lying, l truly did. l couldn't get her out of my mind and did nothing but think about her. When she agreed to go out with me l simply could not believe it. The most stunning girl in the world and she was going out with me! All that wasted time and money at nightclubs etc and the girl of my dreams was in bloody Withernsea all along staying with my mates sister!

l was 18 at the time and it turned out she was only 15 but that didn't matter one bit to me ... l was in love and that was it. ln todays climate l'd probably be arrested for corrupting a child ;-) but hell ... l'd still do it if l was thrown back in time to them days. l couldn't have stopped myself anyway!

The girl's name? ... lris, my future wife and mother of Stephanie and Holly. Alas, 16 years later l was the prime architect in the destruction of my marriage but l can honestly say that the vast majority of those 16 years were the best years of my life. Especially so as the result was our girls Stephanie and Holly. Stephanie needed an interpreter when she was small and Holly fitted the bill ... l'm sure she could talk from birth. Until Holly was born Becky filled the gap admirably.

But l digress, after this period that l had fallen for lris a certain young man called Tel had done exactly the same as l had with lris. He had also fallen in love with a 15 year old girl and that girl was of course Gail ... future wife of Tel and mother of Becky and Katy.

ln our formative years as couples Iris and Steve Shepherd with Gail and Terry Baynes you could not have gotten a more close relationship between us all. We did so many things and l may write about it sometime. Added to us four were my nana, mum, dad, sisters Donna and Kerry and niece Dannielle ... oh and not forgetting Christine (adopted sister). Laughs and Fags!.... oh and the proverbial lan Moule whom must have come into this world cos dad had a bike! ;-) Brief interludes were filled by Adrian and Lee with Donna and Kerry respectively. Have to say brief because l've been on this planet for 55 years now and a few years does seem brief when knowing Tel for what? ... 37? 38? years. l'm not good at dates but not many men are! Girls always seem to know exactly ... right down to what they were wearing at the time!

Later ... Martin came along and is with Donna, then Dave with Becky and more recently Paul with Kerry, Tom with Holly, Steve with Stephanie, Carl with Dannielle and Katy is too damn secretive! ;-)

Iris is now married to Martin Cooper but still has contact, which is nice because the ties/bonds between lris and my sisters are very strong to say the least ... as it was with Tel.

And me? ... in a bloody mess as usual ... ah well.

Gail and Terry were together 35 years.

Sorry, can't write anymore. Have written through the whole night.
Bye Tel ... l miss ya!

edit ... l'm Pluto, Tel is Goofy. We wore these on the occassion of Boxing Day 2008. Seems we both had same idea ... after 30 years of originally buying them in Florida with Gail and Iris!